I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
