i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
