i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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