I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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