I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize