goodnight i made you a song goodbye
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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