I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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