my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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