im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
