I'm so fucking centered right now
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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