I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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