someone threw a dead crab at me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
