Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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