Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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