I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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