You just made me feel so damn special
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
