God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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