you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
