FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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