Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
