I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
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