my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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