Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I am midnight drunk by noon
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
We are all done wearing pants today
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
