no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
The best revenge is premature balding
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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