and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize