The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
