Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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