i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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