If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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