I just cut my nipple shaving
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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