i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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