i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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