hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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