Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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