btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
