He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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