Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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