Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
