just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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