The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
