$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
