chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize