It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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