It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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