My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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