I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
