tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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