I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
