i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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