Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
