Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
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