turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
