can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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