I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize