I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
