i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
