How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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