I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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