Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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